Me and My disability: Things I can do that other able bodied people can’t.

*This is for comedy purposes only*

  • Eat a hobnob and pee in a bag at the same time.
  • Skip queues.
  • Take legal morphine and fly high as a kite.
  • I have a key that opens all Uk toilets.
  • Make cripple jokes about myself.
  • Never needing to replace the sole on a shoe.
  • Always have attractive Carers/medical staff.
  • Have an encyclopaedic knowledge about the human body, it’s ailments and cures without the student debt.
  • I can sleep and pee at the same time.
  • I can play the disability card
  • Literally gets put into a hammock to get in chair/bed
  • I get free leg/back massages
  • VIP treatment at trains/theatres without the VIP price.
  • I get chauffeured everywhere.
  • Gets steroids/Botox legally injected
  • Has the added thrill of being strapped to a board and being rotated like a rotisserie chicken during an MRI (with the added bonus of a radioactive glow.
  • I never get ID’d when buying my echo falls, with my small stature and wheelchair staff tend to panic.
  • I always get referred to as a little girl when I’m out despite being 22 which is a backhanded compliment in its self because it means I have maintained my youthful glow even if my body does feel like a 99-year-old.
  • I have every piece of mobility equipment you can think of and can advise you on such matters.
  • I have become very good at sticking up for myself when it comes to bullying or discrimination. (Teachers feared seeing my emails pop up in their inbox.)
  • I am very well connected in the disabled community (or the mobility mafia as I like to call it). If I wanted too, I could have your head on a silver platter in one phone call… my advice? Don’t cross me.

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