Good morning to my fellow readers,
As you know in the past week or so my pain levels seem to have skyrocketed to levels 8-10 especially, in my back and pelvis. Well, so has my anxiety and depression. I rang the doctor on Monday for some stronger painkillers and it was if a dam had burst inside me. Tears just came flooding out as I told him I couldn’t cope with the pain any longer and that I wish I wasn’t here. If you’ve been following me a long time you’ll know that I have been diagnosed with depression since I had a break down in school when I was sixteen.
The doctor was very kind (Even asked me if I would like a cup of tea) as I sat there and let all my feelings and frustration out. It’s not fair to be housebound at 21 and in so much pain without a root cause. I’ve told them about my pelvic pain for years and only now am I having this investigated and am awaiting injections to see if it helps the pain.
It’s because I’ve felt so alone in my fight for a diagnosis and treatment that my mental health has deteriorated again and the fact that I feel like my family misses out on things because of my pain. (Even though logically I know I’m not a burden and they love me.)
I’d finally had enough and so he’s referred me to the mental health team, given me a nightly antidepressant and some diazepam for my pain. So right now, I’m not at my best but, asking the doctor for help (which really they should have sorted this pelvic pain out a long time ago) is the first step for me to get better.
I am not writing this to seek attention or sympathy, I’m writing this so people know they’re not alone in their fight against the darkness or pain. I am also writing this because first and foremost this blog is my outlet and I shall continue to write about the good and the bad days and I don’t give a shit what you think.
So please if you feel like the darkness is starting to suffocate you, do not struggle alone. The thought of getting help may seem intimidating because you don’t want to face issues you’ve ignored. Talk to someone and be brave and ask for help. Yes, you may lose friends if you confide in them that you have problems with mental health and they tell you to ‘cheer up’ or they say yourself for putting yourself first, then let me tell you, ditch them as they aren’t real friends, true friends will be understanding and supportive.
It’s the best thing I’ve done. I’ve beat this bitch once, I can beat her again.
I also want to say a huge thank you to my family for supporting me whilst I’m going through this maze, trying to find a way out. To my followers on social media, your love and good wishes do not go unnoticed.
So here’s how I’m going to start helping myself too:
- No more PJ days, today is the last one.
- Try and go out twice a week for fresh air.
- No social media on the weekends.
- Eating healthier.
- No more boxset marathons,
- Talk about how I’m feeling and not bottling it up.
- Stand up for me more.
I am in full support of ITV’s Time to talk campaign.
If you need any advice or just need someone to talk to (although I’m no professional) my inbox is always open.
For more info please visit Mind.org or call the Samaritans